So recently me and my Mother were talking , She was telling me about Her Father , my Grandfather on her side .
through story's I began to realize he was a great man but very much a Womanizer .
My father was married to my Mother for 28 years ,
now they have been divorced for about 10 .
Thinking back he Was very much a womanizer too .. Is it that we are drawn to whats comfortable ?
But our inner beings are calling out for more ?
thinking about it I see the connections to my genetic Past and to my Present ,
My grandfather and my Father were both loved dearly , And from an outside perspective you
couldn't really see that other side at all , Its very much a deep rooted thing .
I never thought I would exactly attract a man like my Father , he was always loud
and the center of attention , the guy to have fun with but irresponsible because he couldn't
choose between both lives.
Slowly as it appears its been in our Generations on both sides.
You have this man who expects the woman to be a certain way , talk a certain way
do certain things a woman does , which for the most part is what a lady does.
but when it becomes womanizing is while he the man can do as he pleases
cause hes a man , and then you start to see the double standards .
and suddenly and very rapidly it all starts to make sense .
When I fell in love and had my Second Child , Many things about him made me feel comfortable
and in many small ways he reminded me of my Father , But never in a womanizing way .
We were together for quite some time , but our relationship ceased to last to raise the Children together . I couldn't
avoid the little things .. I am very sensitive in certain aspects ,
and licking my wounds every time these double standards came into play
- just didn't seem to be enough ..
I would see the same patterns re occurring in our relationship
I would be hurt , and he would run, then he would come back , and I would have this hurt deep inside
me , that I tried to push away for days
but seemed my character couldn't look past it .
Not realizing then , all the times I made him feel like he wasn't good enough was merely
me not wanting the same genetic patterning .
Its understandable now , I never meant to hurt his feelings
It was just always that little voice inside me that knew I didn't belong there ,
Why ? I never knew then
All I knew was 'things as they were' , were not okay for me personally.
And in the End stages of our relationship , which was a long painful year ..
It became obvious our honey moon days full of passion and laughter were over .
This is when you start to see the true colors of a person , when all the light fades out you get to
see how much light that person truly has inside .
And sitting here , thinking back to the torment of those days
I reminisce on the days in my childhood with my Father ,
the broken promises to each and every one of
us and the taking the stage as if he were innocent. The constant crying that he wanted to give more
that he would change and do more , and the constant disappointment .
As I get older I start to see it from my Mothers eyes , mind you I love my Father deeply and have
no hate towards him , I was always Daddy's little girl was always a very proud little girl to be .
But as a woman , I see her struggles and her endless nights and now I recently see me
connecting my life to hers , for the first time and I see exactly how
her transformation was bold and courageous , And as one of my favorite quotes states
" We tend to count our misery's more than our blessings " And I realize how very blessed I am to be where I am .
I didn't endure 30 years waiting on some one to change , And I didn't have 6 Children with him.
And for me the biggest hidden message I recently discovered is that ,
I received the most amazing gift in my self , in realizing this ..
And I'm looking forward into the future with big bright eyes
A big heart and all the love I have to give .
All my torment and endless nights have steered me in a good direction ,
And I'm thankful that some how my own being , my very own being
knew back then what was best for me .
And all i can see is things to be grateful for , because these are my eyes ..
And this is who I am , and I know the love my being needs within , Is out there
and I won't be searching I'll be patiently taking my days
day by day growing , because that love will be there when I need it most.
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